Ghost

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End of the Semester

So this semester has been interesting to say the least. I made some poor choices last semester which led me back to school this semester and yet again I seem to be making some of those same choices that could possibly lead me back into school for yet another semester. I feel like I will never attain my bachelors degree at the rate I’m going. The biggest issue is not necessarily the choices I’m making but why I’m making those choices. To be completely honest I’m not sure why I’m making those choices. Some of my guesses would be that I’m scared of what the future holds, I just don’t care anymore, or better yet I’m so sick and tired of school and all the work that comes with it that I wish I didn’t have to be in classes anymore. The most sensible answer would be that I’m afraid of what the future holds, but I honestly don’t think that is why I am making the choices I am which is keeping me from attaining my degree. As this semester is winding down I’m realizing that if I really want to get out of here I’m going to have to seriously bust my butt to get there or I won’t see my degree for awhile. Now because the semester is almost ending the next problem would be the motivation. I’m really just ready for the break and ready to be done with school for a month. So my motivation is seriously lacking.

On top of all this I have pressure coming from my parents that really just drags me down even more. I know that they love me but sometimes I feel like they wish I was a perfect little child that could do anything and everything. I just feel like I’m always being pulled down by not only others by myself as well. I saw this quote about 2 months ago and it really hit hard: “We carry these things inside us that no one else can see, they weigh us down like anchors, they carry us out to sea.” This is how I feel way to many times in my life. Not just now but a lot more than I would like to admit. One day I will be able to fully open up and let someone in and understand what I’ve been going through but for now it stays inside.

As most of my family and friends that are close to me know that I’ve come back to college to finish my degree even though I walked across a stage to receive my diploma (which I don’t have). Because I didn’t do what I should have done last semester I’ve had to come back to school to finish up. So classes have been in session for three weeks now and I’ve hated every minute of it. Right now CU and I have a love/hate relationship. I’ve been at CU for five and a half years and it is way over due for me to be done here and gone. I’m ready to move on with my life. I’m ready to experience life in a bigger place and a place that I love. I’ve always enjoyed being in Campbellsville but because of how long I’ve been here I’m starting to hate it. I think once I leave I’ll miss it and it will always hold a special place in my heart. In 20 days I will be turning 24 and most people my age are out of college have a real job and looking at/getting married. It is really crazy to think that I’m not done with college, going to be starting my masters soon and even if I think about wanting to get married I have know one in my life right now.

My life isn’t really where I want it to be in terms of my relationship with friends, family, and even Christ. I’ve struggled with so much within the past two years that I just keep it inside and not talk to anyone about it. I’m slowly learning that this isn’t a good thing to do. It not only brings me down but it also strains my other relationships. I just want my life to be back to where it used to be. I think it will take time but it will get there. I have to always remember that I can’t determine my steps in life even though I might want to. God is the only one that can do that.

Love/Hate Relationship

So my computer and I have this love/hate relationship. Last semester it decided that it hated me because the battery died on me. After getting that fixed I thought it was smooth sailing until about 2 weeks ago when one of the hinges decided to break. So because of that I officially didn’t have a computer for a week, which wasn’t a good thing being a college student and all. After getting it back I thought it was fixed and good to go. Well that was until tonight when my computer decided it was going to screw up so bad that I can’t access any files, download files, or even open Microsoft programs. So to say the least all I can access is the internet and i’m lucky I can do that. So hopefully come tomorrow I can see about getting it fixed and maybe be able to have it working correctly at the end of the day tomorrow. I will keep my fingers crossed and pray at the same time.

Life Is Changing

This weekend has been one of those weekends where you are thinking about the future. For me it put a lot of things into perspective. This weekend it really hit me that I have three months till I graduate college. The crazy thing is, school isn’t stopping there for me. This weekend I had the opportunity to attend a leadership conference called Kaleo. At this conference I can honestly say that God confirmed my call to mission ministry in urban areas. It was truly interesting they way it all happened and there is probably no way to explain it. All I know for sure is that I’ve been called into a life of service in the urban mission field. What that entails, at the moment I don’t know. But what I do know is that God will tell me in his timing. So to end this little post. God has everything under control and I know that he is the one and only to trust and put my faith in. He will lead me in the right path and I have no doubt about that.

Wow

That is the best word that I can come up with to describe this week. It started out as any normal week. Classes, practice, free time, the normal. Then things started to go down hill. Tuesday showed promise of a good day then slowly started to change. By Wednesday my time in class was spent trying to not blow up in anger because of things that were going on outside of class. Wed. just kept getting worse. By Thursday I was at a point where I didn’t care anymore but I was still very angry and didn’t know what to do. So in turn I spent my afternoon/evening relaxing out at the lake just thinking about different things. Then today (Friday) tops everything off. I receive text messages accusing me of things that I didn’t do and if I had done these things then I would have remembered. So to say the least today made my week. Thank the Lord I’m heading out of this town and home for the weekend. Can we say time to relax and forget about everything. Praise the Lord.

Change

It’s that time in my life where change is a huge need. Things continue to happen that really shows this to me. To start things for my summer continue to change. I really think that it is God who keeps placing things in my email, and on twitter that reminds me that there are options out there for my summer. I love Fuge and what it means to be but I honestly don’t know if that is what God wants me to do this next summer. The second part of change is coming sooner than I wanted it to. Moving off into Grad School 9 hrs from home is scary, nerve wrecking, and even exciting at times. Just the idea of all of this change is making each and every day hard to continue in school, in life outside of school, and even sometimes life at home. I know that all of this change will be for the best and God will work everything out in his time it is just really hard.

So in all my years of camp I’ve heard the song Don’t Waste Your Live by LeCrae but never really heard all of the lyrics or better yet understood them. So I felt like I should share them with you along with the music video of the song itself. Here are the lyrics:

 

Hook:
(Cam)
Don’t wanna waste my life

Verse 1:
(LeCrae)
I know a lot of people out there scared they gone die/ couple of em thinking they’ll be livin’ in the sky/ but while I’m here livin’ man I gotta ask why, what am here fo I gotta figure out/ waste my life/ no I gotta make it count /if Christ is real then what am I gone do about/ everything in Luke 12:15 down to 21/ you really oughta go and check it out/Paul said if Christ ain’t resurrect then we wasted our lives/ well that implies that our life’s built around Jesus being alive/ everyday I’m living tryin’ show the world why/ Christ is more than everything you’ll ever try/ better than pretty women and sinning and living to get a minute of any women and men that you admire/ ain’t no lie/
We created for Him/ outta the dust he made us for Him/ Elects us and he saves us for Him/ Jesus comes and raises for Him/ Magnify the Father why bother with something lesser/ he made us so we could bless Him and to the world we confess him/ resurrects him/ so I know I got life/ matter fact better man I know I got Christ/ if you don’t’ see His ways in my days and nights/ you can hit my brakes you can stop my lights/ man I lost my rights/ I lost my life/ forget the money cars and toss that ice/ the cost is Christ/ and they could never offer me anything on the planet that’ll cost that price.

Verse 2:
(Dwayne Tryumph)
Armed and dangerous
So the devil jus can’t handle us
Christian youth them a stand wid us
Livin’ n driven/ given a vision/ fullfillin the commission he handed us
London to Los Angeles
Da rap evangelist
Ma daddy wouldn’t abandon us
“I gotta back pack fulla tracts plus I keep a Johnny Mac”
So are you ready to jam with us
So lets go, gimme the word an lets go
Persecution lets go
Tribulation lets go
Across the nation lets go
Procrastination bes go
Hung on the cross in the cold
Died for da young and the old
Can’t say you never know
Heaven knows
How many souls are going to hell or to heaven so we gotta go in and get em
Whaaaaat!

Verse 3:
(LeCrae)
Suffer/ Yeah do it for Christ if you trying to figure what to do with your life/ if you making a lot money hope you doing it right because the money is Gods you better steward it right/ stay focused if you ain’t got no ride/ your life ain’t wrapped up in what you drive/ the clothes you wear the job you work/ the color your skin naw you Christian first/ people living life for a job/ make a lil money start living for a car/ get em a house a wife kids and a dog/ when they retire they living high on the hog/ but guess what they didn’t ever really live at all/ to live is Christ yeah that’s Paul I recall/ to die is gain so for Christ we give it all/ he’s the treasure you’ll never find in the mall/ Your money your singleness marriage talent and time/ they were loaned to you to show the world that Christ is Divine/ that’s why it’s Christ in my rhymes/ That’s why it’s Christ all the time/see my whole world is built around him He’s the life in my lines/ I refused to waste my life/ he’s too true ta chase that ice/ here’s my gifts and time cause I’m constantly trying to be used to praise the Christ/ If he’s truly raised to life/ then this news should change your life/ and by his grace you can put your faith in place that rules your days and nights.

Wow

Training Week

So tomorrow is the last day of training week for camp. It seems so weird that I’ve been at camp for over a week. Wednesday we had our site luncheon which was tons of fun because I got to meet the director of Missions for the association in the area. He is this really sweet old man who has such a huge heart for reaching the lost. It was really humbling to hear his heart and where he stands with missions. Thursday night we went as a staff to Cumberland Falls. It was interesting because it was all at night and you couldn’t really see where you were going cause none of us thought to bring flashlights. Yesterday some of the staff went to Cracker Barrel to eat brunch because it was our day off. Then later that afternoon some of us went to this place close to town and cliff jumped and just swam in the water. It was so scary and relaxing at the same time. Today was a rough day but in a way it was a good day. We were doing run through’s all day and so it was nice to just relax and work on things but then this evening it got crazy because so many of us are feeling the stress of camp starting in a day and a half. It will be nice when tomorrow is over with because things will be a little calmer and people will be less on edge. Camp starts Monday and I’m so not ready. I wish we could have more training even though there isn’t anything else we can train on. Nervous about week one but so ready for it to start.

Summer Info

So today I received my email telling me what track time I would be teaching at camp this summer. I’m super excited because I get to work with children again all summer. Receiving this email today really got me excited about this summer and how much I’m ready to be there already. With the email I also received the bible study materials for the summer. They are going to be a great study and I feel that great things will happen this summer during bible study and during worship. I’m excited and ready to be there.

Summer can’t get here fast enough

This summer I have the opportunity to serve as a Ministry Track Leader for M-Fuge at the University of the Cumberlands. This will be my second summer serving with M-Fuge and I feel that it can’t get here fast enough. I don’t know what track I will be leading but it doesn’t matter to me as long as I am serving those who need it. Missions is part of my life and what I want to do for a living. I hope that this summer every minute of the work that I do I do it for the Lord’s glory and not mine. I hope and pray that as I do ministry with my team that God is the center of everything we do and that we don’t take the credit for anything that God does this summer.

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